When I was 14 or 15 the internet girlfriend of Mark Sam Olynciw sent me some LSD tabs wrapped up in gum wrappers through the United States Postal Service. I didn't think they'd ever get to me, but they did.

This guy, Mark Olynciw, was the biggest douchebag I ever knew back then, and he and I had little flame wars between our websites---mine was ElectricBiscuit.com and his was Riothero.com. I considered him hugely pretentious, constantly trying to write about shit that sounded smart while I was just all about speaking my mind and trying to piss people off by doing it. I'd discover that he'd be stealing the things people said from other websites or from books and posting them on his blog---which was always more popular than mine at the time which pissed me off quite a bit---as if they were his own, so I'd call him out.

One of the best things he ever did was steal the entire design template from an MTV webpage about Radiohead---which was back when Radiohead was releasing Kid A and the hype around it was absolutely huge---and fiddle with it so it would be the design of his blog, except he didn't bother to give any credit to where he got it from, so I called him out, and then we got into another flame war and he'd go off about how it didn't matter.

Him and his stupid little internet girlfriend would call my house and pose as interviewers and ask me completely innocuous questions that I would answer honestly because I didn't give a crap, and then they'd start giggling like they were pulling a fast one on me by asking me about my TV watching habits and I would just be like, "Seriously? This is funny to you guys? Don't you realize you're just wasting YOUR time?" If this was happening to me these days I would say, "Come on, you're letting the terrorists win," but this was back before the word "terrorist" was in the forefront vernacular of every American.

It's been 11 years since those days but it's obvious that I forget absolutely nothing. What's even funnier is that if you look at the source of riothero.com right now he's still doing the same thing; he's commented out the credit for where he got the template from. He's not even using the website but he's still careful to make sure people don't know that he's not making the shit himself. Some things never change, Mark! Glad to see you're still a douche nozzle!

Anyway, I took two tabs of this really weak LSD that this girl sent me and it didn't do anything after an hour. I started talking to another online friend of mine, whose name I can't remember and whose website I can't remember and so I have to point out how isn't it funny that you remember your enemies better than you remember your friends, and he was like, "It's probably some weak shit, put two more under your tongue and let me know what happens," so I did, and an hour later nothing happened, so he told me to just put the last four or so under my tongue and let them fully dissolve and see what happens.

About half an hour later I WAS TRIPPING BALLS. My monitor started swirling around, and I could still type so I was like, "DUDE I AM TRIPPING BALLS!" so he told me to put on some music, and at the time I was listening to a lot of industrial dance music, which I realize now is an easy way to say "psuedo-wannabe-industrial shit that is completely neutered and mostly retarded", and I loved this song Orange Moon so I put it on and it became the soundtrack for my entire trip. I didn't want to put anything else on for fear of ruining the awesome feelings it was giving me, so I just put it on loop.

It played even when I crawled out of my bathroom window and laid in the grass outside my house staring up at the trees, which were swaying gently in the breeze, which was making the branches cast waves through the night sky, which was full of millions of stars, more stars than I had ever seen in my life, and they were all moving in and out of each other, like there were three different planes of stars and they were each undulating, moving in and out of each other. It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen in my life.

Pretty much everything I saw that night was the most amazing thing I had seen in my life up til that point (I had yet to have sex or even see a naked woman in person, much less have one under me moaning with the pleasure I was inflicting upon her, so my point of reference at the time was relatively limited) and I crawled back in my window to grab my digital camera, and then started taking pictures of the amazing things I was seeing. At one point I climbed up onto a brick wall and precariously balanced on it while leaning over several feet and holding onto the roof just to snap a picture of some power lines---and now it occurs to me this is probably how people on acid seriously injure themselves.

The next day when I sobered up and looked at the pictures, I was disappointed to see that they were just pictures of grass, of tree bark really up close and entirely out of focus, and of the corner of the roof of my house. I still felt a little funny, though, like I was enlightened in some way, and I don't mean in the spiritual sense, but my body actually felt lighter, like some weight had been lifted off my shoulders, not a metaphorical burden, but an actual weight.

I only wish I had been older, and more capable of holding onto that feeling. My memories of my one LSD experience are distant now and I can hardly remember how I really felt at the time. It's as if the experience wasn't mine, but one that was told to me so many times by a friend that I've begun to be able to tell it myself in such a way that it feels in my head as if I was experiencing it myself.

I listen to Orange Moon now and I have no recollection of the way it made me feel, just the vague memory that it made me feel like I was full of pure joy. The angst and depression I was loaded with when I was 15 temporarily melted away and for a couple of hours I cared about nothing else in the world but how absolutely beautiful it all was, and afterward it didn't matter that it was all a hallucination, knowing that didn't diminish the experience at all.

You know what... anyone got any LSD they want to send me through the mail?