I don't want to say that I fuck a lot or anything, but...

Actually I'd say compared to most of the people I know, I would say that I've slept with less people than the average amount of people the people who've actually slept with people have slept with. Did you like that? Was it good for you?

What I mean is, in my group of friends, people either fall into two sides: the near-virgins (have had sex with maybe one and a half people) and the guys whose number of lays are pretty high up there. I'm neither of those. I've got a respectable hopefully non-STD-fear-inducing number.

I'll admit that I have felt jealous of my friends who have had sex with more women, I think every dude probably gets a little jealous over a friend's lays every now and then, it's natural male competition. I thought about what makes me different from my friends who obviously fuck more than I do. I broke it down to a few things:

1. Having sex with a chick I hardly know (or know quite well and have never slept with before) who is ridiculously drunk doesn't sound like something I would feel good about. I don't sit comfortably with the idea of "go to a bar and pick up on a drunk chick", it seems unfair. It's even more unfair because I don't drink, but even if I do drink I never lose control or sight of my values and morals. Even if I'm drunk I'm still not as drunk as some random bitch at a bar, especially if she's the kind who wants to wander home with some strange dude. I would also really feel like shit if some drunk chick woke up next to me and was like, "Oh Lord, what have I done?" Sober chicks only, thanks!

2. Having sex with the kind of chick who would randomly fuck you without really knowing you, drunk or not, doesn't really sound like a good idea either. "Hi, you're hot, let's go fuck in the bathroom," doesn't seem romantic. Don't get me wrong, I like to put my penis in vaginas, but if you're fucking me within 30 minutes of knowing me... well, there's a lot of other people in the world that you could have fucked within 30 minutes of knowing them that had some things about them that you maybe should have known.

3. I am totally unwilling to sleep with someone who has slept with someone I know personally. I watch friends fuck their friend's exgirlfriends, or just some girl that, for some reason, is going on the world tour of cock within a group of guys. I don't get that. I think that, during sex, I would be thinking, "Dude, Eddie's penis was in this same place maybe a week ago, shit, it's like I'm rubbing my penis on his." For this reason, I only date out of my area. (I once dated a girl who was already friends with friends of mine and now I pay child support. Correlation research, here.)

When I think about these things in relation to a couple of my friends, I'm glad to say that I've never had gonorrhea, nor ended up on a "LOOK OUT FOR THIS GUY, GIRLS!" website. I've never had sex with a girl who was so drunk she accused me of raping her because she didn't remember wanting to fuck the night before. I've never used drugs to fuck the girl a friend of mine was interested in. I've never gotten overly physical with a woman nor had to go to anger management for hitting one, either.

And you know what, I've never had a one night stand, either.

...probably because I've never had sex with a woman who didn't want to fuck me again.