Just like how a song can remind you of a period of your life long after that period's past, sometimes music can come to completely embody a person who used to be in your life. Christine Fellows is forever linked to one of my ex-girlfriends. I always saw her as epically sad, in a soft way, like a big sleepy cat---or at least that is the way she liked to project herself and I just gobbled it up, My tall, sleepy-sad cat.

When "Blueprints" comes across my iPod while I'm driving (I left all the Fellows on my iPod after we broke up in order to more easily torture myself with her memory, of course) I'm reminded of all sorts of things: how surprisingly soft her skin was, all over; how I thought it playful when she'd brush me away with disdain when I'd try to rub up on her too often; the way I felt clear-headed and complete when lying in bed with her; how inspired she made me feel to make something of myself; how deeply I wanted to climb inside her head and know what it was really like in there. (And I still remember her voice)

But I also remember the other things: how I wasn't the only guy who got to be surprised by her softness while we were together; how I later realized it wasn't playful when she'd push me away; knowing that when I was feeling complete lying next to her, she'd feel empty and self-pitying lying next to me; that she was a noose upon which she allowed me to hang myself over and over again; and how when I finally got inside her head I found out that I was relegated to the dark corners while others got to play in the light.

Of course, when I hear Christine Fellows, all those other things are pushed to my dark corners, and what I thought of as beauty gets to play in the light. I don't know what she's doing now, and I'd lie and say that I don't care and that I'm not at all curious, but of course I am. It's been two goddamn years and I'm guessing that I'm still not over it. The things I would give to hang myself on her noose again and again. I would give a lot of things.

Is this love? Is this what love is?

Christine Fellows doesn't make music that sounds like this, and that's a shame. She's more into playing piano and singing weepy / unfortunate / suicidal sounding songs, but she snuck in this track at the end of The Last One Standing and I'm glad, because it's by far my favorite song by her. Things I like about it: guitars, bitter chorus/hook line ("Didn't know you... had it in yoooou..."), general 90's grungy feel.

If I am lucky, at some point in my life, Christine Fellows will read this and will record an entire rock album and it will propel her into the mainstream and rock stardom and then she'll give me ~15% of her income as thanks, as a tip, you know.

I learned of Christine Fellows from an ex-girlfriend. When I first listened I asked, "Does she do anything else like that Surprise track at the end of Last One Standing?" and she said, "I don't know," but then later said, "I can't believe you like that song, I absolutely hate it, can't stand it." Then I punched in her in the face!

OK, no, I didn't punch her in the face, but, God, had I only known, I would have. She would have shouted, "Why! Why did you punch me in the face! Oh my God!" (imagining this said in her voice amuses me greatly, she is making wild arm gestures as she says it) and I would say something like, "Because this song is great--and in a few months we will have several repeating sad and bitter breakups!"

Pssht, totally over it.

*Amazon has some serious issues with Christine Fellows. They have this album, correctly titled, in the MP3 section, but the preview links play some other album. Then they've got the album, incorrectly titled, in their regular hard-copy album department. I link to the hard-copy album just to be safe, here, which is a shame.