I was reading journal entries from my old websites on the Internet Archive yesterday from back when I lived in San Diego. I don't know why I wrote so candidly, so publicly, and didn't realize at all I was absolutely crazy. There's all this moaning about being in love with some girl I worked with who I never even asked out. All this hope and wonder at the girl I finally started dating down there, only to be moaning about how unlikely it all was from the start. It's no wonder things fell apart down there: I was a complete moron.

Learning to listen to and trust your inner voice of reason is probably unnecessarily difficult for just about everyone. I'd go so far as to say that this is the clear dividing line between children and adults, but that development of it evolves over such a long and varied period of time that it's difficult to pinpoint at all. I even wrote down that I knew that what I was doing (moving in with some girl I barely knew after two weeks, putting my job in jeopardy) wasn't going to end well at all, but that I was doing it anyway and I didn't understand why.

Looking back, I think I was just lonely and naive. It's easy to delude yourself into thinking that what you want is actually worth wanting despite all the consequences, especially when you've got absolutely nothing better to do with your time. You overlook so many things early on that you shouldn't, just in the hopes of having something, anything. It's not until later that you start to get comfortable, stop being lonely, and start getting annoyed.

Sometimes I wish I could not give a shit again, and be all carefree and make stupid mistakes and end up briefly homeless because of crazy Louisiana southern baptist women, but then I remember what I didn't know back then: that being miserable is not fun. It's like no one sent me the memo back then. I thought being depressed and hating myself all day was just the way things were. It turns out that it's not. There are better ways to live. It's crazy.

So many miserable relationships. So many failures foreshadowed, foreseen, but unavoided.

This song might be about this. I don't know.

Song Note: This song is another song that I didn't used to like but iTunes Genius threw it between so many songs that I do like that I got hooked on it subconsciously. It works beautifully for quiet background music, but it wasn't until today that I played it loudly through my home stereo and I will say: Wow! This is a beautiful song.