All I want to do anymore is lie in bed. I've got nothing to be upset about but I feel upset about everything. I'm pissed off at the way the world works, the constant hypocrisy and contradictions that drive this world. I see people in my life doing things I'd never do, things that I think are wrong or stupid, and getting away with them, being rewarded, getting the things they want, and I'm left wondering: what's wrong with me? I know I'm not like them, and I swear to FSM that the difference is that I'm better, so why's it always feel like my world is crumbling?

I'm sick of women who say they want someone to be interested in them for more than sex, but then fuck guys who are only interested in them for the sex and pass over guys who are actually interested in them. I'm sick of situations like this missing woman in Aruba being defended as something other than the clearly Darwinistic occurrence it is---You wander off to a foreign country with some random dude you meet on the internet and you're surprised that you're dead? Sounds like survival of the fittest to me. It's improper or not politically correct to say "one less dumb slut in the world" but it's true. She did something slutty and stupid, and now she's dead, so let's stop acting like she was some innocent bystander. You buy the ticket, you take the ride.

I'm sick of guys who fuck women and then lie about it to anyone and everyone who'll listen. Why stick your dick in something you're not willing to cop to? Even to your best friend? It's one, scummy, thing to fuck someone you're going to be ashamed of fucking, but it's entirely another to be so ashamed you don't even share it with your friends. And what of the women who fuck these guys? Have some fucking self-respect, for fuck's sake. Call me crazy but I'm not going to give a hot beef injection to someone I'm not going to be willing to tell the world that I'm fucking, but maybe I just have more discerning taste than others.

I'm sick of things being so easy for people who don't even try, for people who don't even care. I'm sick of the fact that only things I get when I don't try, when I don't care, are shitty things that I don't care about or who don't try. I'm sick of waking up every morning and wondering if today is going to be the day that things are finally different, but knowing that they won't be. Just the same old dicks, the same old cunts, the same idiots laughing at the same unfunny idiots as yesterday. I'm worn out on trying to shed every weight from my life in an effort to lighten the load I feel but only coming away from it feeling even more weighed down.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm getting a raw deal. I'm watching pretty pictures and figures move through my field of vision... shadows on the cavern wall... and none of them ever bother to enter the cave I've secluded myself in. Sometimes people shout in, and try to lead me part of the way out, but the whole nine yards are never covered and I never get any closer to the shadows, pictures, people. The hand is dropped and I wander back to where I'm from.

I don't know what to do.

It's amazing how in a couple short months unemployment has reduced me to a pile of ash, but boy do I feel like getting a job is the last possible thing I want to do. How is it that sorrow can feel like a cage but also a warm bed you never want to climb out of? We are simple primates, we aren't meant to suffer from cabin fever, to feel like we're stagnating. I'm not supposed to be like this. It's not romantic. It's embittered and reclusive. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of being this way. Twenty-six years and running, it's never been any different for me. Someone's always got what you want, and they're not going to let you have it.