In the last year I have finally started to feel like I'm becoming a man. I don't know if this is something most guys deal with, or if it's just something left to scrawny, awkward intellectuals who've always felt tiny and emasculated their whole lives.

It seems to almost entirely rooted in what I look like with my shirt off. Two or three years ago I'd stare dejectedly at myself in the mirror after a shower: That's the chest of a small boy, I'd think to myself. No real muscular definition, just flat chested and bony.

Now I can look at myself and while I don't necessarily look like my idea of a man---and who for that matter looks anything like what their idea of themselves should be---I look like I am well on my way. I can look at myself and think: Yes, if I was a woman, I would totally want to run my hands over my chest while I fucked the ever-loving Jesus out of myself. No homo, but that thought does bring comfort. If I'd do me, then others would, too.

Confidence is a fickle thing. I've never lacked the knowledge that I can charm, but without a feeling of genuine masculinity I would always be meek, waiting for my cue, never making the first move. There are days now where I feel like I have the ability, at even the slightest hint of interest, to pull a woman into my arms without startling her, tilt my head to kiss her, and find an eager, waiting mouth.

But the opportunity rarely arises, and I feel OK with that. I guess another aspect of the newfound mannish confidence is that I know some things are worth waiting for. Some things don't come along until you aren't looking for them. Some things don't even know to be interested until you don't express any interest in them. Some things are skittish, and entirely based in chance. Any attempt to coax them along, I think I should have learned by now most definitely, often simply ends in heartbreak, or at least a numb-headed regret. (The best advice never given to me: If you want something, stay the hell away from it.)

I've always been curious as to whether getting older is something you truly feel beyond the physical, whether you wake up one day and just suddenly feel the age you are, because I've always felt so young. Sometimes, just sometimes, I feel my age. I feel young, strong, and full of promise, yet still constrained by the fact that I am no longer a child. My bones and joints aren't rubber any longer. Almost nothing is necessarily easy, but there is a joy in the challenge. There is a joy in overcoming obstacles even if you set them in your path yourself. Maybe this is what it is to feel like a man.