Despite the fact that I have more failed relationships under my belt than is gentlemanly to admit to, I've actually never really dealt with being dumped in this way. Most prior relationships, by the time the break up happened it was generally due to a mutual exhaustion of all other possible outcomes. Most of the time it was a relief, like, gosh, I'm glad that's over with!

The one time I was sincerely dumped by a woman, it was horrible for me but in a way that defied logic and reason: she never treated me like I was a human being worthy of affection. (Which is, in retrospect, exactly what you need to do to a person who is enamored of you and you only want them to become further enamored to the point of obsession.) Why that broke my heart and left me feeling wounded about it for two years is still a sore point, and it's still beyond my comprehension. By the end of it, though, it was clear even to me that she just wasn't going to let us be happy, so despite my bitterness there was an underlying sweetness to it I couldn't deny.

It's like I was sore because someone took away my favorite toy: the one that punched me repeatedly in the face every time I tried to play with it. I just wanted it back, I didn't care it was bad for me.

This time around I just don't really know how to feel. By the end of this relationship I was feeling pretty happy and secure. After two years of on-again/off-again indecisiveness fueled mainly entirely by my own insecurity and worry, I settled into this spot where, you know what, maybe marriage isn't a bad idea after all. Maybe this woman is enough, and I don't have to feel all the time like there might be something better out there. I mean, there probably is, but the chances are so slim that it's akin to folding A-K suited because you hope there's an A-A combo further along. It's just dumb. Play the hand.

I guess if you wanted to you could say it sounded like I was settling, which is a terribly dirty word to pretty much everyone it seems. I don't know if I was settling, especially in the derogatory way most people spit it, so much as I was just becoming comfortable with the idea of having sex with only one vagina forever. But I am also being untrue, and perhaps insincere. Deep down I had my reservations, but they were always prefixed with: give her a couple years, be a supportive, nurturing, kind boyfriend and if under those wings she doesn't, I don't know, summon a single iota of motivation and personal responsibility and accountability you can just ditch her, and your sexy as fuck 30 year old man body can go out and find someone willing to live up to your expectations.

Which is funny because she would go, "I just don't feel like I measure up to you!" and I'd deny it. I never attempted to make her feel like she didn't, but I guess just being around me and listening to me talk shit on all the other similarly apathetic, unmotivated, self-centered dumb asses in the world made her turn a harsh light on her own innards. Who knows.

So all that said you can imagine that I'm in a bit of internal conundrum. Should I be heartbroken? I was thinking about marrying this girl, and now she's left me. Worst than that, she left me while attempting to make me promise that I'd be willing to take her back in a few months when she wakes the fuck up and realizes that I am the bee's knees and the cat's pajamas all rolled up in one. That left me in a shitty place where I still don't really know if she's going to wake up tomorrow and call me back to her. Should I go? Should I not go?

Then at the same time maybe I should be relieved that she dumped me. Hurrah! I get to shop my sexy ass around town, look for someone amazing to call my own, maybe someone even better than she was. But then what if she comes back? And I'm like, oh, I'm fucking this sub-par girl, and she's like, oh, nevermind then? Will I feel like I fucked up? Oh, the danger of regret.

I'm searching for anger. I want to be angry at her for breaking up with me. I want to be pissed the fuck off that she waited three years until I was at my most vulnerable, and she was at her most stable, to break up with me. Sometimes I feel the emotion bubble up inside me, but my general overwhelming apathy and perhaps ataraxia just shuts it down. I'm not even that sad as much as I just don't know what to feel. Anger would make it clear. It would turn "I'm not sure if I should move on or hang on" into "Fuck that stupid bitch! I'm not going to wait around for that dumb ass to decide I'm as fucking awesome as I am, I'll just go show someone else how awesome I am and then, boom, blowjobs again for me!"

The anger would then turn into optimism, and the optimism would turn into dating, and the dating would turn into confidence, and then we could get to do it all over again. But the anger won't come. I'm trying to force it, but I guess I just have to wait and see. It's just lame that this is all I can think about sometimes: Should I jump on OKCupid and start answering match questions now, or wait, and how long should I wait? It's been three days, have I waited long enough yet? When is she going to call and apologize? When she does, will I be over her, and tell her to fuck off?

The objective part of me, the part that actually cares about me and rarely gets a say, really hopes so.