Blowjobs. What could be better than a blowjob? (Having a vagina so men buy you things?) It's an act of total selflessness. I mean, I have no first hand experience giving blowjobs, but a little bit on the receiving end. This song was written by a gay dude (by Roddy, partly because he thought it'd be funny to have Mike Patton sing about sucking off dudes), and from the sound of it, I'd say gay dudes probably give pretty radical blowjobs. It makes sense, though, doesn't it: wouldn't another dude know what is awesome when it comes to getting a blowjob? Although I'm sure that are prissy chick-like queers who are as uppity about blowjobs as some women are.

In truth, most women are pretty bad at giving head, at least in my experience. I feel a bit like that if most men gave head as bad as most women do, then I feel generally sorry for women, which is to say I feel sorry for most dudes. I've been with too many women who are more than happy to let you go diving for clams but turn their nose up at the thought of putting that THING in their mouths, which is funny to me, since penises are pretty much just skin, so when a girl is sucking on your neck it's really no different to a penis, but whatever. (Vaginas on the other hand are mysterious secreting pits of... of mystery.)

I was with a girl one who seemed to love to give blowjobs, but would say, "If you come in my mouth I will vomit all over you!" Way to kill the mood, sweetie, even if I was about to come I'd give you a courtesy pat anyway, but now that you've filled my head with the visual of you violently puking into my penis---and it is not unheard of for vomit to go into the penis in such situations!---my desire to receive a blowjob is.... is... oddly unimpeded! I'm a man! You can't just gross me out of taking a blowjob.

One girl I asked, "Um, do you give head?" and she replied, "I give if I receive," and then I looked down at her vagina and decided that just sex is just fine. I still kind of baffle at that: I wasn't willing to put my mouth on it, but my penis with a protective latex glove on it is just fine!

Several women just basically refused to give head. I'm not sure what is was about them, because I was young enough at the time to just be grateful that any woman was paying attention to me at all and I wasn't about to argue the finer points of oral reciprocation with them and risk the loss of said attention.

I knew a woman who, when the idea of dick sucking was mentioned in her presence, she went "Ewwwy!" like a middle school girl. This wasn't anyone I slept with, though, and thank god for that: it was my oldest sister, who, at 30, still had never had a boyfriend, so that one is pretty well explained.

I think most women think that sex is enough for a guy. I can see their logic: can a mouth really be as awesome as a vagina? It just can't be, right? But blowjobs are never really just about giving and receiving pleasure. A blowjob is about giving undivided attention to your partner and showing them that you want them so much you're willing to do something vaguely uncomfortable (neck pain and jaw pain seem to be prerequisites for any form of oral sex, blowjob or rug munching) just to make them feel good.

In truth I would rather get no blowjob at all than one given begrudgingly. Ladies, don't pantomime that it's a chore, because then even if you're doing it you're conveying that you don't want to, and that ruins all the fun of it. There's a reason in porn the women (who are awesome at it) act like giving a blowjob is the best thing they do all day (Jenna Haze comes to mind), and I'm not talking about the extreme crazy deepthroating or gagging type of blowjobs, just normal good old fashioned hand-mouth-sync blowjob. Enthusiasm can turn the worst blowjob into the best blowjob, because in truth, there is no bad blowjob except one given without enthusiasm.

Be aggressive. When it comes to oral sex, the giver is truly in control. That might be the message of this song: as the giver of the blowjob, you are responsible for your own fate. If you want to give an exciting blowjob, you'll probably enjoy it more yourself. Guys learned at least at some point within the last 10 years that giving head to a girl is rad: if you make her come, you're a goddamn rock star and they love you forever. I think, unfortunately, a lot of women don't feel like they need that sort of trophy, so they just don't bother. They're looking at it wrong: it's not about getting a fellatio trophy, it's just about being good at something that makes someone else feel good, that makes that someone want to take a big hearty nap.

And aren't naps awesome?

I can't believe I just rambled about blowjobs for 880 words.