Is it absurd to be upset about not being sadder than you are? I've been doing a lot of longing for emotional peaks lately---oh woe is me, why can't i fall in love with girls who blow me all the time_? am i broken? where have all my capitals gone?_---but just now, listening to this Cloud Cult song and trying to brainstorm things to write about, it occurred to me that this song used to be familiar to me, and it doesn't feel like it any longer.

I used to be able to listen to a song like this and feel like I identified, like I understood the pure passion to feel that fills the singer's voice on this track. In this moment, seconds ago, I felt nostalgic. Somewhere in my drug-addled brain I felt wistful for the feeling of being completely lost, of knowing how far I'd come but not feeling like maybe I could go on any further but still going on because suicide is some scary shit when you get to a-thinkin'-a-bout-it real hard-like, of being totally gutted because something real bad just happened!

But no, now I just feel kind of, you know, shrug, about everything. I guess just because not being an emotional wreck isn't what I'm used to doesn't mean it's a bad thing. It's probably a good thing. It probably means something like... like... I'm building a self-image that doesn't rely entirely upon the status of my external life! How cool is that? No longer does my life have to fracture to bits every time some girl waltzes out of it.

Man, if a girl ever literally waltzed out of my life, I just don't know what I'd do. Take waltzing lessons or something. Isn't that something you'd have to do with old people to get cheap lessons? I'm going to the adult school down the street, and I'm going to learn to waltz. Not now, but later, when I have to go waltzing after some girl who tries to waltz out on me. You know how sometimes a word starts to look weird, like, really, that letter goes there_?_ Waltz. Look at that word. Waltzes. Waltzing. Waltzed. Who the fuck is Walt? And isn't Zed dead, baby?

Vote yes on Prop 19! Ensure future posts like these.