You can watch a movie only once and remember what happens at the end, and you'd probably be able to recall many of the major plot points up to a year after you see it. Why is it then so hard to recognize the patterns in your own life? And what do you do when you do see them? How do you know that things can't change? Are we trapped by the circles that we travel within?

Is it true then, as the Philosophy of Time Travel describes, that we are lead by an Abyss-like water-tentacle through our lives and that our paths are set? But what if you see it! And then change it. Oh yeah.

Sorry. Back up.

Relationships are always difficult to analyze because there are two people in them and no one can possibly know what the other was really thinking the whole time. You're lucky if you've got one absolutely true and uncensored perspective, and you're extra lucky if that perspective is your own. (I don't really think I can trust my own.) Usually you just end up with a big mess: all this shit, so fucked up, boom. There's no data to extract from that usually but vague generalities: 'maybe I should be more careful', 'no more women who stick their faces into cats and smell them deeply as if they were fresh laundry', 'more women who stick their faces into laundry hot out of the dryer', 'asses don't have freckles, wear a condom', 'once upon a time i was falling in love, but now...'

Usually the players are equally fucked up, or there's one who is way more fucked up than the other, so when the same things begin to happen to the same person in a different relationship, it's hard to notice: it's the same story, every time, it plays out the same and it ends ugly and confused.

If you date outside of your regular demographic however you mix it up. You replace one of the players, keep one the same, we've done enough controls so now let's mix it up a little bit. It's obvious that no one else has gone on to have a successful relationship, so it's my turn, you know, to try to do something with someone swell, to try to do what no one else has.

And you know what, my head went to the same places it always does. I started to feel the same way about someone I had no reason to feel that way about. It's so routine now, the disintegration of... something. The disintegration of my appreciation? I don't know where this is from. This is new to me. I've always felt the problem was me, but now it's kind of clear.

It's clear that I'm beating myself up anyway.

I live such a busy routine every day that my days are exactly the same. The last seven months have gone by not so much 'in the blink of an eye' but more a slow yawn coupled with a stretch, and I just don't know what I'm doing. I think I said about a year ago that I wanted to spend some time just being happy for a while before I jumped back into the grind of hating my life, and, well shit, I guess I did that.

I think I need to break out of this routine. This time of year always leaves me feeling trapped, for some reason. (Maybe it's the change in temperature: I appreciate the 'cold' here in California, and then suddenly one day you wake up and it's 90 degrees and I want to fucking die, because I like my jackets, damnit, so I feel sandwiched between happy-coldness and the horrible approaching 100+ degree temperatures.)

There's no direction, that's all, I've got no direction. I've got goals but no direction. That's what I'm doing wrong. That's why this has happened. There was a reason after all!

Crap.

Thanks, internet.