In first through third grade I had an on-again-off-again playground romance with a girl named Sarah. Up until about fifth grade I had a crush on a girl named Sarah who lived up the street from me, but she was always interested in my slightly older (but not a grade higher) neighbor. (Who tried to fight me once, all dramatically, in front of her. I grabbed his arms and swung him around a little bit, and somehow he ended up with a nosebleed, at which point he ran home crying. She called me a jerk and ran after him. Life has always been so unfair.)

When I was 13 I met a girl online named Sara which resulted in a lot of probably dirtier-than-it-shoulda-been cybersex and phone sex for at least a couple of years, which is kind of weird to think about now, ten years later. We still talk, though now it's all talking and not so much touching ourselves while panting into the phone at each other, and she tells me now she's dating this eight foot tall Asian guy (and has a son who has to be at least six by now). I don't know.

My last ex-girlfriend was named Sarah. (Hi, Sarah! [Sometimes she leaves comments mocking me. I think they're sweet.]) I'm sure there's numerous other Sarah's that I have been attracted to at one time or another that aren't significant enough to remember. There are a lot of Sarahs in the world. If you judge by film, literature, and television, you could safely say that there is no one in the world worth loving as much as a Sarah. Or maybe I'm crazy and I'm attuned to the name for some reason so I notice it disproportionately.

Am I crazy? Isn't everyone always named Sarah? It's always some dude who is like, "Come on, Sarah! Just give me one more chance!" or, "That Sarah girl, there's something about her." There's too many. It's overwhelming.

It also completely obliterates any chance for stereotyping the name. I can't say there is one unifying characteristic about all of the Sarahs I have known in my life. Some were complete opposites of each other. Names carry weight!

Holy shit, someone has proof of this! Check out this totally rad chart! Look! Brad is "High School Jock" at 63%, stronger than any other. So crazy. Wait... I wonder what Sarah is?

Sarah - Sunday School Teacher: 19% - Cheerleader: 16% - Business Executive: 15%

Well, that's weird. I've never known a Sarah who was any of those things.

In high school I think I was reaching some sort of height in my depression, but I was fighting back against it as hard as I could. I was listening to a lot of Radiohead and trying to be high on something as much as possible. I became attached to the idea of hitting on this girl I'd seen around. I think she was a little funny looking, because everyone called girl wolf girl, but I didn't really get it. (Maybe this is some sort of Black Hole type situation that I can't actually recall in which I was attracted to some weird looking girl. Maybe I thought that if I lowered my standards to super low I could achieve just about anything. I really don't know. All I remember is that I thought she was cute but other people said bad things.)

I would wake up in the morning and read my horoscope excitedly, hoping for positive things, and I would blast this song through some earphones and become all overwhelmed with a rush of good energy, like I could do anything and it would be awesome, like I actually had confidence to do whatever I wanted and the horoscope always said something that made me believe I could talk to this girl or punch someone in the face. It was rad. When Mr. Yorke wails, "It's going to be a glorious day, I feel my luck could change," my heart would melt a little. I knew I was nuts, deep down, but I liked it.

I did manage to talk to her, eventually, when I got myself into an argument with a mutual friend in front of her. I'm pretty sure she wasn't cute when I got up close to her, because I never really felt much like talking to her again after that. Or, she looked about two years older than me and I felt like a little boy and decided to give up. Whichever. I don't really remember. I am so unreliable with these things.

I don't particularly care for the song these days.

Site Note: I've got blisters on my fingers!

Author Note: I spent a good 15 minutes proof reading this and editing it and extending it and then, due to some weird random tab confusion, I lost all my edits completely. It was awful. I almost cried.