I’ve written four introductions to this entry and none of them have come out right. This is clear sign that while I don’t really have something to write in mind, I am doing it to escape from something else.

Sarah woke me up this morning with a phone call, which she has been doing since it was about the time she was going to bed. It’s our goodnight phone call but at 11 in the morning when I wake up, when she goes to sleep. It was nice, when she wants to talk to me, and it fills me with a terrible longing but it’s worth it to talk to her…

And she said, “Doesn’t it make you feel a little better to know there are women you could have sex with just lined up?”

And my response to this, which has been my response to everyone else who has said something like this (though Sarah is the only one who says it so flatteringly) is, “No,” and, “That’s not really the point.” I just, I don’t know how much clearer I can make it. Sarah says, and this is kind of hurtful I guess, that emotionless sex is who I am, but she doesn’t grasp what she’s turned me into (a pussy, apparently). I can’t undo all the bullshit of my past, and even if I could, it doesn’t matter.

I don’t even know what I am saying.

I don’t want to do anything. I wake up and all I want to do is lie in bed. Today is Monday, it was supposed to be wake up rejuvenated and start working on all the shit I need to get done day, but instead after I got off the phone with Sarah I kinda just wanted to go back to bed, but I didn’t let myself. I sat on the computer, though, until eventually giving up and crawling back into bed. Then it dawned on me: I can do other stuff I don’t need to do but want to do, and decided to go out and hike through Turnbull Canyon again and take more pictures… but that’s a lot of work and walking and stuff.

So instead I sat here to write this journal entry that means nothing.

I function OK with my friends. Matt says that aside from the weird emo shit I post on my Twitter, I seem to be just fine. To which Mike tells Matt, “No, man, Brad is dying on the inside,” which is only half true.

I am not dying, I am just stagnating. Sarah filled me with such a joy for life, such a motivation and a goal to reach for, that I was just running high off my ass on it, doing all this school stuff and working and just trying to make money and a future so I could dash toward her as quickly as possible. It’s sad to say but now without the promise of her, without the goal of her, I feel completely aimless and empty. I knew this was going to happen, but I had some vague feeling that I’d be able to fight through it or there’d just be something left after that would keep me going.

But there isn’t. I want money, yeah, and I want a career, yeah, but I also want to sleep forever and do nothing but hang out with my friends and never worry about anything ever again. There is nothing to back me up against the stress, so I just crumble and decide it is best to not care.

So today, which was wake up rejuvenated and catch up on all the shit I need to get done Monday, has become yet another day where I want to just hunker down and forget about everything, forever. It makes me feel like such a loser to think that a girl has ruined me in this way. I’ve been way worse over breakups, I’ve been crushed and destroyed and set on fire and I’ve made it obvious that I was burning through all the screaming I’d do over it, but this time it’s all small internal defeats.

I can’t go back to who I once was. I don’t say this in an effort to convince myself it is true, or to reinforce, but just as a statement of fact. There is no comfort in sex with girls I don’t actually love. I’ve seen something different and now I’m all fucked up over it, and it’s annoying but I do feel somewhat good about it, like it’s a step in the right direction, but I don’t know how to get over Sarah so that I can maybe start the long arduous process of looking for another version of her.

And that sucks. I am looking for another version of her, and I can’t find it. There are tall chicks all over OKCupid but none of them are Sarah. There’s tall girls who are somewhat cute in the way Sarah is, but their personalities are stuck-up Los Angeles bitches who make out with their friends. Or, there’s tall girls who don’t look anything like Sarah, but are passable, but again, personalities are absolutely nothing like her at all. I guess, when it comes down to it, there is no one out there like Sarah, and that kills me. I’m looking for Sarah, and I’ve found Sarah, and now what do I do?

I need to get over this Sarah girl. I don’t know how, really, and, personally, I don’t really want to. I just don’t want her to get over me, either. I want to keep us transfixed on each other until the day that I can bring us together, somehow. So far it’s been going well but… man… I want to stop feeling like this.

I just want to go back to the way things were. I was unhappy a lot of the time over her doubt and uncertainty, and admittedly none of that would be any better now, but at least she was mine, something to strive for, something to want to provide for. Now what? Myself? I am supposed to think that way for myself? Fuck that, I can just shut down and live a peaceful life inside my head doing absolutely nothing.

Such a fucking livejournal post.