I don’t ever want to talk about this, what happened, how it happened. I’ve spent my whole life up to this point revealing everything about myself to people, every ugly detail and painful memory. I am an open book. Some say I enjoy misery, that I chase after it, that I thirst for drama and bullshit and I would agree, those things are true. Well, they were true.

I hurt more sincerely than I have ever hurt right now. My exes, all the “broken hearts” I have suffered before now, are nothing compared to this. It’s always been painful, but this is so much harder. I’ve always had some sort of hate to grab on to, or some foreshadowing, or I was able to tell myself things like “there are others” or “you can do better”… I can’t even… There just aren’t any words for this stuff.

Sarah showed me what it felt like to actually be in love with someone, to feel completely comfortable with someone. I felt like I was willing to do anything and everything for her. I didn’t think that my fifth relationship with someone would be the one that makes me realize that the four prior to it were absolute and complete bullshit. The connections I’ve had with women before now seem tenuous in comparison to what I felt just by standing next to Sarah. I have never felt so intimate with someone.

Well, writing that made me break down into the worst crying I’ve ever done. There are some things I just shouldn’t write, and I know that is probably one of them, but, whatever… Maybe this’ll be the last time I ever write about this, or have to, I hope this can be my recovery but I know it wont be, so whatever.

I feel empty. I am scared. I’m terrified that I will never find that feeling again. If it took me five years to find it the first time, will it take me another five to find it again? I don’t feel like I could have that with anyone else, that there isn’t anyone else, there is no comparison or equivalent, I browse OKCupid now and I just find endless amounts of boring looking and sounding women that I can’t imagine I’d have anything in common with or would even enjoy being around. I feel hopelessly broken, far more broken than any stupid hateful opinion ever made me.

I thought Trista ruined women for me, by treating me like shit and betraying my trust, I sincerely felt like as much as I adored women I also hated and could probably never trust them again… And now, it’s actually worse: I now know what a woman is capable of making me feel, and Sarah didn’t break my trust or give me anything to sever or invalidate the way I feel about her, and now I feel like there is no point in anything but trying to find that feeling again, and I just don’t think it’s possible. Why even bother going and looking for other potential partners when I know from experience that I am absolutely incapable of finding that? Sarah was a fluke! A random chance encounter due to the strange paths I like to take through life, and how am I supposed to LOOK for that? I wasn’t even looking! She seemed interesting and I introduced myself and I had no fucking idea she would be so amazing. I just wanted to find someone to spend some time with in San Jose, and instead I found someone I wanted to spend all my time with, forever. How do I find that again? Where do I go? The internet is a cesspool of bullshit and I found the one diamond in it and then I fucking smashed it with my ignorant selfish stupidity.

I am talking in circles.

Sigh.

In some ways this is easier, the long distance makes it easy to get used to potentially never seeing her again. Eric said this, that there is no drama of trying to separate our lives after conjoining them. And, shit, I guess that is where the ease ends. Sarah and I have shared probably over 3,500 emails between us. My Gmail account is almost entirely emails from Sarah. There wasn’t a day in the last eight or so months that my phone didn’t vibrate loudly with an “Attention!” signaling that I had an email from her. She kept me company at almost all times. Before we were dating for real, we were friends across the internet, able to talk to each other about anything and everything. She was my closet friend, period. And then she was my girlfriend. Maybe that is the trick… I don’t know. I don’t know how I am supposed to lose her as my girlfriend and as my friend at the same time. How does one cope with that sort of thing? It’s like I’m losing two people at once.

I learned things about myself. I learned things about myself that I feel like I would rather not know. If I could go back to being ignorant, to thinking all a woman is capable of doing is hurting me, then I’d like to go back to that time. It’s disgusting to say this, but I can’t deal with these feelings of hopelessness that are so unfamiliar. It was so routine for me, you get hurt, you suffer, and then you get over it and come out of it just the same or maybe better than you were, you move on, you weren’t effected, but this is entirely different. I have been effected, I have been changed, and I feel like I destroyed something very important and I don’t know how to recover from that.

How do people talk about things like this in anything but big dramatic statements? I don’t want to go on. I don’t. I don’t want to move on. I don’t. I don’t see how I can live in the state I am in emotionally. How are you supposed to get over someone when you can see nothing wrong with them? How can you recover from someone you love, who loved you, leaving you? I have never, ever, experienced this.

It is hard. It is very, very hard.