This weekend is going to suck. I don’t want to be a cry baby but it’s starting like last weekend. Last Thursday, if I remember correctly, I got out of class late and starving and felt like In-N-Out, so I called my friends and no one was able or willing to go eat with me, so I ate alone. Later that weekend I got ahead on my class work, so to celebrate I wanted to go eat with some friends, but no one could or was willing to, so I ate alone. Here I am again, Thursday night, at In-N-Out, alone. Matt and Mike are with this guy Matt Lopez who, although he doesn’t know me at all and I’ve not even said five words to the guy, doesn’t like me. When asked why he won’t hang out with me, he says, “The guy just asks for it.” Fair enough, I guess, but it sucks that I am isolated from my only friends when he is with them. I talked to Mike directly but even though I said that I am starving now, he said, well go ahead and eat then ’cause I won’t be very hungry until later. I even called Greg, who wasn’t idle on his computer (so I know he’s home), but he didn’t answer the phone or respond to my messages.
I almost didn’t go eat, because what is the point of spending what little money I’ll allow myself to spend on food if I can’t even enjoy it sitting with at least one of my friends? But, no, I am starving and already ate the few things I can make at home today, and repeating meals (eating another two grilled cheese sandwiches) makes me feel even sadder than sitting at In-N-Out by myself.
Trista asked me if she thought I’d really be able to transfer away from Whittier and “all [my] friends” and I can’t help but think about situations like this and how, when it really comes down to it, I don’t have any friends. It’s sad, because all I can do is reference my behavior and actions against theirs and it looks to me like I am a friend: I answer calls, I’m always down to hang out unless I’ve got something really important to do, I don’t really favor anyone over anyone else, I’ll help out whatever way I can… Where do I go wrong?
Sigh. My food is ready. Time to eat.
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