So Eris and I made up. Or, I should say, she messaged me angrily and I responded with apologies, things like, “I stepped out of line and you didn’t deserve that, yadda, yadda, yadda,” and now I’m hanging out with her and I’m not sure why. This is terrible for me, really, because there was a time I really wanted her and fancied myself as being in love with her–ha!–and deeply respected her as a close friend, and now I just kind of want to stop my car and order her to get out.

I am taking her to her first competitive pool game. Eris is inheriting Cerberus’ hobbies, as the one thing he seems to enjoy in life aside from drinking is drinking while playing pool. There are a lot of things that bother me about this. Eris is only 20, so she has to use a fake ID and pass for 24 in order to get in, and on top of that one of the bouncers is on the team. It’s an hour away from the start time and she doesn’t know where it is or how much it costs. The entire situation oozes irresponsibility and poor decision making and for some reason I am in this state with Eris where these things resonate with me so many times worse than they would with anyone else.

She’s also being very terse with me. I pulled into a driveway of an apartment building about three buildings away from where she was, and she somewhat yelled at me as if I fucked up in some grand way, and even when she got in the car she copped some sort of attitude. I also don’t know who’s apartment she was at, and for all I know it was one of her former drug fiend friends, but now we’re at El Pollo Loco and she’s eating so at least I know she’s not all strung-out on meth.

I am just annoyed that she messages me to give me a hard time, and I apologize to be nice, and it all seems to be some scheme so that she could get a ride to this pool game. If I didn’t feel so justified in what I said that made her upset, I would be fine with this being my atonement for the things I did. How unfortunate then that I feel this is completely undeserved.

I’m troubled by the fact that there was a time I would have been OK with this sort of thing. Many times did I give Eris a ride some random place, even if it was far away, and for nothing in return. Now I am just annoyed. I know why, and it’s because I have no respect for her at all.

When she first started dating Cerberus, I was disappointed. He was obviously far below her in a great number of ways, but it was her choice and I supported it. Then she started complaining about his alcoholism, his somewhat selfish sexual nature, and his tendency to be slightly abusive–e.g. play wrestling and continuing to do so long after she tells him to stop. At that point I started to feel like the girl I was friends with wasn’t who I thought she was. I didn’t think Eris would ever tolerate any kind of abuse, physical or mental. I didn’t think of her as a person who would deal well with weakness, especially in a boyfriend, but here she was, being accepting of all these flaws in Cerberus that I consider completely inexcusable.

Now there is this, this ridiculous longing for a man in jail. Now she just disgusts me. Things that I could look past, like the drug use, the attraction to friends who are lowlifes and losers, the poor choice in partners, and the general desire to be viewed as less of a person she actually is under the service, and brought into harsh relief. Who I thought Eris was isn’t who she really is, or at least the girl I was friends with has vanished as a result of surrounding herself with someone like Cerberus.

I guess that’s just what happens in the context of a relationship. Sarah’s effect on my life has been purely positive, thankfully. I’ve quit smoking. I quit MySpace, ah-ha-ha-ha. I’ve quit being so goddamn bitter about women and cynical about love. I am no longer so apathetic about my future. I am more confident, partly due to seeing her clear skin made me want to solve my problems with acne, and although progress is slow, there is definite progress there. (If only my red marks and scars would fade.) I guess if you want to sum up Sarah’s effect on me, you can say that since meeting her I’ve stopped having things I want to stop doing.

It’s too bad Cerberus’ effect on Eris hasn’t been more positive. Eris has always been kind of hedonistic, but now it is all-consuming.

Now I’m sitting in the parking lot of the bar she’s playing pool at. I’ve got some school stuff I can work on, some books to read, and music to listen to. The only thing I am missing is my laptop and my cat, otherwise my car is no different than my room at home. For the next few hours, this is home.

Update, 9:43 PM: That reunion was short lived. I ended up taking her home and on the way we launched into a discussion on, well, what I wrote here, basically. She said the words, “I don’t want someone perfect! I love imperfection!” at which point I groaned involuntarily, a sound that I think signaled the end of our friendship until she wakes up from whatever trance she is in. I remember back before she was with Cerberus, she would talk about how when she’s in a relationship with someone she’s not herself, and that she becomes the person she is with, and that I wouldn’t like her when she has a boyfriend. It’s true, I guess, and it’s sad I didn’t remember those words of hers until now. I was friends with a girl who treated guys like Cerberus like the shit they were, like all they deserved was the chance to grovel at her feet. That girl is nowhere to be seen now. Now the imperfections that would have repulsed her in the past are what attracts her. Sad, that.

Oh well. Whatever gets her through the night. The end.