I fucking hated Juno. I seem to be one of two people in the whole world who hated Juno, the second being Sarah, who sat beside me in the theater groaning along with me the whole time. From the very first couple of minutes of film, where it broke into that ‘cute’ animation with those ‘cute’ washed out pastels that unapologetically ape everything good about Wes Anderson films while leaving out all of the honest sentimentality and good writing, I hated it with all of my being. Then, the characters spoke, and the audience laughed at things I didn’t even think were funny. A teen utters, “Honest to blog?” and I groaned, involuntarily.At one point early on I turned to Sarah and I said, “The biggest, and only, laughs are the ones in the trailer.” The biggest laugh for me? “Oh, like in Alaska?” “No.” “Oh… k…” which, again, was in the trailer, but no one laughed at it in the trailer and I was the only person who laughed at in the theater. I guess I’m quirky, but I hoped the rest of the film would be full of subtle Arrested Development style humor (I mean, it’s got the two primary actors, right?) but instead what I got was a film full of characters who never, ever, not even once, talked like real people. The only honest character in the whole film was Jennifer Garner’s baby-crazed wife. Everyone else was some bizarre fun-house-mirror style characterization of… who? Who were they even based on? I’ve never known anyone like anything depicted in Juno, and it completely ruined the movie for me.

I wasn’t going to rant about Juno. I posted something to Twitter saying that it was the worst movie I’m sure I’ll see in theaters all year, and I saw it within the first week of the new year, but I have never been more certain of anything in my life. I wasn’t going to rant, but I stumbled across this movie.

Would you look at that poster! It’s actually the opening credits to Juno! I bet this film will be like Juno! Check out the trailer, which takes less than 30 seconds until you’re introduced to some random character who says something really edgy and unusual and, again, completely unlike reality! But, wait, let’s not ignore the most important thing…

Would you look at that! Notice the subtle use of washed out pastels! Look at that suit he is wearing, how unusual! His hair, even, is a relic of some by-gone era! Holy crap, I think, wait for it, this is an indie movie! IS IT? IS IT AN INDIE FILM?

You would think so, but I say no. Juno, this film, and others of the same ilk are all movies about boring, typical subjects (kids getting pregnant, kids being awkward in high school!) that are dressed up in new clothes. Those new clothes are this ridiculous slightly-removed-from-reality indie-sweetheart style shamelessly aped from, again, Wes Anderson, and even more disgustingly, Napoleon Dynamite.

I wonder if there is some sort of guidebook detailing for directors exactly what to do when they want to make a film like this. Cover the set in dust? Put your actors in clothes from the 70’s that don’t quite fit them? Score your film with either off-beat and unusual b-sides or forgotten album tracks by artists from the 60’s, 70’s, and 80’s, and/or music by current artists no one has heard of but your college-bound niece who sits on the internet all day looking for twangy guitar tracks that accurately express the mood prevalent in her chipped toe-nail polish? Style their hair as if the characters themselves were trying to emulate Robert Redford from Three Days of the Condor but hopelessly fuck it up–and have the girls do this as well? I mean, what the fuck people, I want this playbook! This shit sells!

I’m done. I’ve had enough. You can only try to sell me so much bullshit wrapped in a coating that I enjoyed when it was done by the artists who pioneered it before I eventually lose taste for the coating and only experience the bullshit. I know that this post is just part of the cycle, something gets popular, something gets hated, but I just can’t take it anymore. If I see another goddamn film in this same bullshit style, I am going to go to the mall, rip off all my clothes, dive into the fountain, and be all like “ARG I’M A KRAKKEN FROM THE SEA!”

Fuck, I hate myself. Now even I am pandering to the typical moronic movie-going public by ripping off indie-style films.