The truth of the matter is that I am lost and confused. It didn’t hit me until right now, this very instant, getting ready to walk out the door and hang out with friends: I am not going to wake up tomorrow and find Sarah groggily opening her eyes to look at me. Somehow I managed to drive all the way home and sit around for two hours fiddling with this site and talking to people and not think about it at all. My eyes got all wet, no falling tears, no manic sobbing, just a brief filling up and draining out.

I’m sure it will fade in time, but my mind can’t help but worry about a long term solution. How do I get Sarah and I together on a more permanent basis? There are so many obstacles that seem insurmountable. The solution is clear, the solution is one that has worked so far this whole time: I find the way, I make the sacrifice, and then she and I hold hands and smile at each other. There is only so much I can do, only so much my experience allows me to achieve; although in the past I’ve always found some way to make it through, I rely almost entirely on the assistance of others and pure serendipity. Can that sort of thing really get me by when I am hundreds of miles away from everything I have ever known?

Love conquers all! Or, at least that is the rumor.

Each new experience, each new direction I want to run makes me regret a variety of mistakes I’ve made in my life. If I go back far enough: I regret the fact that I dropped out of high school. That I didn’t go to college immediately afterward, if I didn’t drop out. That I don’t have a degree now or some sort of career path in mind. Skipping all that, accepting the fact that I made those mistakes, I think: I regret that I haven’t worked some sort of steady job–outside of the veterinary field–for more than a year. That I don’t have skills that I can utilize to land me a job where ever I like; I can’t just pick up and leave somewhere and expect there to be a resume that will land me a high paying job in short order. I regret that I didn’t save money better when I had the chance to.

I regret that I am not rich, famous, hot as hell, and capable of anything. Well, that last one, I am capable of anything. If there is one thing I have proven to myself, it is that I can do whatever I set my mind to, even if it involves riding on the backs of others and stepping on the toes of fate. I just need to suck it up and stop being afraid. I need to stop letting fear turn me apathetic and ridiculous.

Think, Brad: if it wasn’t for your willingness to do something completely outlandish, entirely unnecessary, and unarguably foolhardy, you wouldn’t have met Sarah. You wouldn’t have found someone who feels perfect by your side. I don’t want to be melodramatic–you, Brad, be melodramatic? never!–but for fuck’s sake, how else are you supposed to describe these things? She makes me feel content in a way that none other.

So, then, the question is this: can you put a price on that? Is there ever too much risk to justify chasing after something, someone, so right? I think I might be getting ahead of myself.

The answer, then: chill the fuck out, Brad. You’re impatient, always have been, always will be. Your impatience causes you to cut off your nose to spite your face at every turn, and rushing into some hasty decision could possibly only hurt you in the long term. Slow down, breathe, and take your time. But–I say!–but if it wasn’t for hasty last-minute decision-making I probably would never have met Sarah. Sure–I say!–sure, but there was no risk then, you were just finding out if you could like each other, and then you did, so good on you. Making some sort of decision to throw away the last two years of your life in order to run away to what seems like a strange land–where you would undoubtedly be a stranger–is an entirely different beast than a late night drive to that strange land to meet a strange girl you think you could love.

Remember that, Brad. Take it easy, and enjoy her, enjoy your time and your experiences. The best thing you can do right now is try to fill the time between visits with her with things that will eventually prepare you for the grand finale… or, I suppose I should say, the grand entrance to whatever new life you choose to desire.

Good luck.