This weekend is going to suck. I don’t want to be a cry baby but it’s starting like last weekend. Last Thursday, if I remember correctly, I got out of class late and starving and felt like In-N-Out, so I called my friends and no one was able or willing to go eat with me, so I ate alone. Later that weekend I got ahead on my class work, so to celebrate I wanted to go eat with some friends, but no one could or was willing to, so I ate alone. Here I am again, Thursday night, at In-N-Out, alone. Matt and Mike are with this guy Matt Lopez who, although he doesn’t know me at all and I’ve not even said five words to the guy, doesn’t like me. When asked why he won’t hang out with me, he says, “The guy just asks for it.” Fair enough, I guess, but it sucks that I am isolated from my only friends when he is with them. I talked to Mike directly but even though I said that I am starving now, he said, well go ahead and eat then ’cause I won’t be very hungry until later. I even called Greg, who wasn’t idle on his computer (so I know he’s home), but he didn’t answer the phone or respond to my messages.

I almost didn’t go eat, because what is the point of spending what little money I’ll allow myself to spend on food if I can’t even enjoy it sitting with at least one of my friends? But, no, I am starving and already ate the few things I can make at home today, and repeating meals (eating another two grilled cheese sandwiches) makes me feel even sadder than sitting at In-N-Out by myself.

Trista asked me if she thought I’d really be able to transfer away from Whittier and “all [my] friends” and I can’t help but think about situations like this and how, when it really comes down to it, I don’t have any friends. It’s sad, because all I can do is reference my behavior and actions against theirs and it looks to me like I am a friend: I answer calls, I’m always down to hang out unless I’ve got something really important to do, I don’t really favor anyone over anyone else, I’ll help out whatever way I can… Where do I go wrong?

Sigh. My food is ready. Time to eat.

I love this sign and it’s sad that I — fuck I just missed a turn — can’t get a better photo of it. The angle I pass it during daylight is not any good. If I start using my pop’s Nikon, I’ll have to stop and try to snag a better photo. I like it because (1) it looks like an extended top and (2) it’s obviously a relic of a day when this area wasn’t so ghetto and in a way it’s a symbol of how sleazy the ’square’ is now. Within the Square, there is a $1 theater that shows movies no longer in decent theaters, and I love it because you walk inside and it’s like plunging into some horrid hybrid of all the worst parts of the 70’s, 80’s, and early 90’s. Every surface is curved and covered in garishly colored fabric and lined with recessed lights, and you can almost sense that the place would look better if it was filled with cigarette smoke. The place is dirty, but comfortable to the point that you have to wonder if it’s not really dirty at all, that perhaps it was meant to look that way. The sign kind of sums that up for me, it looks nice enough in a crappy sort of way, but you know it couldn’t have been cheap at the time it was erected.